Flash: when I first thought of you I thought of a wildfire on the ocean, fire spreading in the middle of the wide, wide blueness, fire licking the tops of the sea-crests and breathing black smoke into the air.

Now I fall asleep with your name on my tongue and when I wake up it dissolves with my yawn, like the fog my breath made for months in cold countries, like the fog I will never forget when I stepped on Alaskan ground.

WHY IS IT SO HARD? WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO HARD? WHY DO I HAVE TO KEEP ON HOLDING BACK FOR HIM AND THEN HE TELLS ME TO JUST LET EVERYTHING IN MY HEAD GO--IF I DO, WE GET INTO FIGHTS. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TRUST AN EMOTIONAL MIME? THANK YOU.

and i don't trust the guy enough. too many secrets. i hate it. i hate that i don't seem to have any secrets anymore (he's opened them all fuck) and now he's got a shit ton i'm getting pissed off and it's really like he's far away motherfucker.

i don't like this feeling. i just want honesty, honesty and maybe he is being honest but i'm a liar and liars like to doubt people and since he's so quiet, i don't know if he's even lying. sweet mother of god.

When on came this show teaching the women of today how to be trendy and fashionable and in. Hence the title of the local show: Fit and Fab.

The episode was about the holidays and how the smart, beautiful, sexy and sophisticated women of today should wear their hair, clothes, how they should eat and keep their wonderful figure throughout.

FUCKING A. Let me just begin this entry by putting this out there: girls, you are already beautiful as you are. Your personality is more important than how you look. You have no idea what a letdown it is for people who want to get to know you when they realize you're all presentation and nada in the brain area. Nobody wants a self-absorbed spaz of a mannequin who only thinks about clothes and what's in. If there was a choice, honestly, people would pick the person with the smarts, with the attitude and if they've got the looks (i'm not saying it's not a factor) these girls are practically a shoo in. What I'm saying is that don't let these shows and standards set upon you be the basis of how you should look.

For example: the show kept stressing what kind of food to eat for the holiday season. The prescribed food items were fruits, some powdery looking non-fat chicken and tomato sauce thing, and some vegetables.

I thought: fine dining is okay sometimes, when it's an occasion, but things like Christmas and New Year's, times when you spend time with the people you love, shouldn't be trivialized by bland food prescribed to become skinny all year long. We all just live once, so why not, at least once a year, EAT FATTENING FOOD? You're not going to be sorry, in fact, you're going to be happy. If your boyfriend/whatever you like to call him is going to not like anymore because you've gained a few pounds, well this is what I'm telling you: either he's really shallow, or you're already disgustingly fat (like, think Jabba the Hut fat) and if you're not looking like Jabba the Hut anytime soon, then think about it.

Are you going to put yourself through mental bullshit to look perfect for people who wouldn't care once they've seen that you're going through their societal hoops?

Like: the show said to wear clothes with oomph--short skirts and shorts layered with fucking tights and/or some cropped jackets or scarves etc.

Fine the accessorizing i completely get. I don't get the need for clothes to be short to be awesome. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH A FULL LENGTH SKIRT? Clothes should reflect personality, IMO, and if what you're wearing looks like it comes straight from a magazine you better think about what personality you have (clue: it involves fleece and lots of bleating on pastures). Don't aim to look like everyone else. Christ. That's why you're an individual.

I mean (i got run off tangent) hi, the holidays are here. Life is still here. Why restrain yourself? If you're young, don't be smothered by rules that don't even do anything for you. Ask questions. I'm not talking about vices, that's a completely different thing, but I'm talking about society and their mandates on us. It isn't necessary. Those aren't all necessary. Courtesy is necessary, but a P1000 tiara isn't actually needed. You get it? Things like that.

Whatever. I'm saying: it's the holidays! love yourself and love whatever you're going to do and please live a little. You aren't fat. You don't have to look sexy just because. If you're going to do something do it because it's what you want to do, even when you take away all external reasons. Keep smiling also.

etc. :D

I just checked my grades and before i did, there was heart pounding anxiety, like i was this sure that I would have a low grade. While I am disappointed with some of my grades, at least there wasn't any flat 3. But I still don't get some professors: I did well in their class, i fucking know that fact. Maybe it's just classroom politics or professor politics or whatever.

What-the-fucking-ever. Let's talk about better things.

I have found a new favorite blog/website. It's about SF, or NY (I am not so sure lol but I think it's more on NY) and just the artsy yet queer culture there. Yeah I know it's weird but the content, especially the literary stuff are such a refreshing breath compared to the whiny, bullshit, oversexed, over romanced "gay literature" here in this country. No really. Nope, haven't read any good lesbian literature from other countries, and none here at all (but I suspect it is the lack of knowing where to look for that shit.)

But, to not get to literary here, I will instead put a copy-paste of their interview on this cool-ass gay DJ in SF on why the music at clubs just aren't so innovative, or nice, or creative enough, or why it just plain sucks. (well, here they talk about the queer clubs there, but I think in general, all clubs now have shitty music. Especially in this country.)

RW: Often it is very hard to hear emerging/alternative/innovative music in gay bars and clubs. Why do you think this is?

JS: Wow, this question is loaded and I don’t think I have enough poppers and Red Bull to answer it in one fell swoop.

For one, there will always be a lot of crap and a lot of people making money off of people eating it up. So when you go into a gay bar and it’s a bunch of LCD screens playing Rhianna remixed by Deborah Cox you are seeing the byproduct of a clusterfuck of issues with American culture, gay culture and the business food-chain. Honestly, venue owners are ultimately the most responsible for what’s going on in their club so it starts with them. These owners are rarely young, especially in this economy, and with the AIDS crisis in 80s and 90s so many of our most innovative and daring “elders” were abruptly taken from us. Many of the promoters, club kids, and DJs who were lost would have nurtured upcoming talent and underground music for the new generation. It seems like a jump to blame the AIDS crisis for bad music in clubs but there is a reality to how much of a toll that holocaust made on our community’s current nightlife. The new generation of promoters, musicians, and DJs have a very exciting time ahead of them and a great responsibility to shape the void that was left for us. The state of the economy is going to force venues to resort to new tactics to stay open, which will, in turn, open some doors to young “trouble-makers” and innovators. As obsessed as I am with the glory days of gay disco and bathhouse DJ culture, I know that they called them clones for a reason. There has always been a ‘top 40′ and ‘anthem’ mentality to music and there always will be, its just a matter of variety and accessibility that’s an issue.

Oh and artsy photos (but mostly of guys from the East Side of NY smoking in houses while in several states of undress while being all cool-ass or not. Whatever. It's hard to explain.

Um. I saw Coldplay's music video on Violet Hill. I really think that whole album's got a political slant--especially Viva la Vida, I think it's about President Bush. I'd explain why, but that's a whole different post people.